Meeting The Children

Now this is a tough one, as everyone will have their own views on how and when to introduce the children to each other; it's such a sensitive topic…

During my divorce I wrote a parenting plan (which I accessed via CAFCASS). Although this is a non-legally binding document, it helped me have some structure around child contact arrangements. It also made me feel more in control when everything else in my life felt very chaotic. In it, I stipulated that my ex-husband and I would wait at least six months into any new relationship before we would introduce the children to a new partner. My thinking around this was that I wanted to ensure that the relationship was stable, and partners were not entering and leaving our children's lives. I felt that the divorce was hard enough, and I didn't want them to get attached to someone who was then going to disappear.

Then Sam happened. It was a whirlwind, and we fell madly in love. We were both immediately invested and knew it had longevity. So, although we hadn’t been together for six months, we knew we were ready to meet the children. Despite all my nervousness about introducing a new partner, my relationship with Sam made me realise there is no “right time” and you just have to go with your instincts. Some people may wait six months, meet the children and then end up separating a few weeks later anyway! We can never guarantee anything in life, especially relationships; only you know what is right for you and your family. Every relationship is different and how the children respond will be dependent on so many complex factors. The age of the child, whether their biological parent is still in the picture, past experiences they may have had with previous partners. I truly believe there are no hard and fast rules in this situation.

Sam and I introduced each other as friends at first as we wanted to allow the children to feel part of the process. We needed the relationship to develop organically and didn't want to overwhelm them by formally introducing a new "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". So we decided to host that first meeting somewhere neutral, somewhere the children would feel relaxed, somewhere with plastic chairs, over-priced coffee and the overpowering scent of sweaty children: the local soft play! That first meeting was fun, informal, and allowed the children to run off and play – alone or together – however they wished. Before the session was over, the children were playing together like old friends. Over the following weeks we increased the frequency of meeting up with the children. As they got to know each other more and more, they started to feel very comfortable in each other's company. Looking back, these were the first stages of our blended family beginning to form.

As we spent more time together, Sam asked Lottie if he should ask me to be his girlfriend. He said that she smiled and said, ‘I hope she says yes daddy’. (I don't think she had much faith in her daddy getting a girlfriend!) I took the same approach with George, whose response was, ‘It's up to you mummy, its none of my business’. (Not the ringing endorsement I was hoping for, but as an 8-going-on-18-year-old, what did I expect?!)

As the adults there were so many things that Sam and I worried about: Will the children like us? Will they like each other? How will they feel if mummy/daddy get a new partner? Will the children feel that they are being unfaithful to the other parent if they like us? I was worried George might blame Sam, for me and his bio-dad separating – even though I met Sam a year after I became single! I was also very keen to avoid the mistakes my dad made when introducing his new partner after my mum died. I felt that she was forced on me and my sister, and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with Lottie and Rupert. However, the more things organically progressed, the more these feelings faded, and I learned to stop overthinking. Sam and I started to build unique relationships with the children, and the children began to build unique relationships with each other. We built our own memories and the worries and concerns we had initially, became inconsequential.

Naturally as parents we worry about everything, especially when it comes to our children. Meeting new partners is not something nuclear families have to contend with, but in a blended family these hurdles and milestones are just part of the journey.