Bonus Parent

I never expected to be a bonus parent. I grew up in a very conventional family. My parents were happily married, and they had two little girls. I always assumed my life would follow the same pattern. I’d grow up, have a career, get married and have the same type of marriage my parents had. My husband and I would have our own children, and that would be that. I just didn’t question it. I think this says quite a lot about social norms and expectations. I initially found it very hard letting go of what I thought my happily ever after would look like. I never imagined getting divorced and becoming a single mother to two children. But life has a way of surprising us. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason…

I never expected to fall in love again. I was quite happy as a single mum to two boys. Then Sam came into my life and my world turned upside down. I fell madly and deeply in love: the type of love that consumes you. Sam was so different to anyone else I had ever met. I wanted to spend all my time with him. I had found my soulmate.

It’s funny how life works out. It’s as if we always end up where we were destined to be, and all those experiences along the way shape us and help us to get there. When my mum died of cancer I was in my early 20s, and still learning about who I was and figuring out life! My dad moved on with someone else quite quickly and I really struggled with this. It felt as though he was trying to replace my mum. But this experience has undoubtedly helped prepare me for parenting my two other children: my beautiful bonus children.

When Sam and I got together Henry and Rupert were still at nursery, Lottie was 5 and George was 7. They were all so young! I remember the moment George just came out with the comment ‘I have a new brother and sister now’. This was quite early on in mine and Sam’s relationship and, if I’m being honest, it took me by surprise. But for the children it was entirely natural and, from that moment on, they’ve always referred to each other as brother and sister.  

Sam and I created this family because ultimately, we fell in love. I then fell in love with Lottie and Rupert, and he fell in love with George and Henry. This is the part some people find hard to understand. When you have biological children no one questions how much you love them. You create them and so naturally you must love them. People take it as read. But when the child isn’t biologically yours, people assume differently. I find this bizarre because it’s simply not true. Sam and I love all four of our children equally, just like there are some biological parents in society who fail to care for theirs. Loving your children isn’t about biology.

I have been asked before questions like ‘surely you can’t love Lottie and Rupert like George and Henry’. I don’t feel any irritation at being asked this question. It’s more about educating people to understand our beautiful but complex family. My love for Lottie and Rupert grew every moment I spent with them. I looked after them as a mother should. I treat all my children the same and never ever wanted anyone to feel different. Remember in my blended family all the children were so young when we began this journey.

My relationship with Lottie and Rupert is different to Sam’s relationship with George and Henry. It’s also prominent to note that the children view this relationship differently too. Henry sees Sam as his father as all he has known is having two dads. George remembers me and his bio-dad being together, so he sees Sam very much as his stepparent. I am no expert, but I truly believe that you need to be guided by the children in how they view you and where they see themselves sitting in this blended family.

George and Henry have always called me mummy as that is who I am to them. Lottie and Rupert initially called me Danielle, and then one day, out of the blue, Rupert asked why he didn’t call me mummy? Because I was his mummy. In that moment I was taken aback, and I felt quite conflicted. Not because I did not love that little boy with all my heart, but because I did not want to step on his mother’s toes. But how could I say no? My response... ‘Rupert, you can call me whatever you want to call me’, from that moment on I was called mummy, and a week later Lottie started calling me mummy too. My youngest always sums our relationship up perfectly: ‘Mummy… I have two daddies and Lottie and Rupert have two mummies.’ My response is always ‘and how lucky are we?’ Out of the mouth of babes!

Lottie and Rupert's mummy will never be forgotten. No one is replacing anyone; a mother can never be replaced. Rachel, who is Lottie and Rupert’s biological mummy, started the journey, and I am here to finish it for her. In a way, me, her and Sam are all in it together. From the start, Sam and I always planned to put the children at the centre of everything we do. I think that this helped guide us.

In the most difficult moments, I worried I wouldn't get through it, but you do! My dad always said to me: “the best things in life don’t come easy.” In a blended family you have to work so much harder. It takes time, love, care, patience, and support to shine through. As every year passes, we get stronger together shaping our families' experiences and creating more memories.